The Hundredth Time the Same Question

But what if they’re not looking for the answer?

From the outside, it might seem strange. If I have already told him, why does he ask again? If he knows when I am leaving, why does he need to hear the same answer?

And we answer him, even when he has asked many times before. Over time, we have learned that not every question is asked because someone does not know the answer.

When an Answer Is More Than Information

Sometimes the answer itself provides something:

• A sense of safety — because the same answer confirms what he already knows.
• Reassurance — because nothing important has changed.
• Predictability — because what comes next becomes easier to anticipate.
• A little order in a world that is not always predictable.

Times are particularly important in our family. Who is going where, when they are leaving, when something is going to happen.

He keeps track of it all.

Sometimes he really does remember these things better than we do. And there is something else that especially interests him: the weather.

He checks the forecasts, follows what the weather is expected to do, and then carefully tells us about it. He does not simply say:

☁“It’s going to rain tomorrow.”

The figures matter too.

What is the chance of rain? What can we expect? When will the weather change?

Data, times and forecasts. Someone else might see only numbers. We are increasingly learning that information can also be something to hold on to.

And if I ask once more and receive the same answer I already know, then the world is still where it is supposed to be.

When It Is Easy to Answer Impatiently

!“But you already know that!”

As a parent, it would be very easy to say this. And let’s be honest: after the twentieth identical question, we can get tired too.

We are only human. There is work, shopping, dinner, getting out of the door and everything that needs doing tomorrow — while the same question keeps coming back.

?“When are you leaving?”

At moments like this, it is easy to hear only the question. But perhaps it is worth trying to hear what may be behind it as well.

We cannot say that this is what lies behind every repetitive question. Just as no two autistic people are the same, the same behaviour can mean different things for different people.

The same question can express many different needs:

• predictability, so they know what comes next;
• less uncertainty, so they can feel safe again;
• reassurance that the answer they heard earlier still applies;
• a favourite subject that feels good to return to;
• or simply connection.

So perhaps the most important question is not:

↻“Why are you asking me this again?”

But:

We Are Still Learning Him Too

That is why we answer. Not because it is always easy, and not because we have a perfect solution for every situation. We answer because we are still learning him too.

Day by day.

As parents, we often want to teach our children how the world works. Yet, without us even noticing, they are also teaching us that there are different ways to move through it.

They teach us that what feels like unnecessary repetition to me may offer him a sense of safety. What is merely a time on the clock to me may be an important point of reference for him.

What is simply a 30% chance of rain to me is another piece of information that helps him understand and anticipate what is happening around him.

They also teach us that not every difference needs to be corrected.

Perhaps we need to try to understand first. Maybe it is not the answer he is interested in.

Sometimes Answering Is Enough

Perhaps that is why this simple question touches us so deeply:

Because I know that he knows the answer. And he probably knows that I know that he knows. Still, he asks — and I answer.

Because for me, it is only a few words. For him, it may be much more.

I may not always know exactly why he needs to hear those words.

But sometimes this is enough:

• To answer, one more time;
• To listen for what may be behind the question;
• To accept that the same world may be a completely different experience for someone else.

And one more answer. 💙

Are there questions in your family that return again and again? What have you found may be behind them?

If you are autistic and experience this differently, your perspective belongs here too. Share it with us — because listening to one another’s experiences can bring us closer to understanding.

Hand in hand, heart to heart — together for a more accepting world. 💙