When a Sock Can Really Ruin the Morning

What may be a tiny thing to us can be the point where everything becomes too much for them

7:12 in the morning. It is nearly time to leave. Breakfast is still on the table, the bag is half packed, the water bottle is missing, and as you glance at the clock you already know exactly that this is going to be another rush.

You stand there and wait. They will not put their shoes on. A few minutes later crying, tension and despair fill a morning that only moments ago began as an ordinary weekday.

A question easily appears in the parent's mind:

Maybe you are doing nothing wrong — and maybe your child isn't "doing" anything either.

"But it's just a sock."

To us it may indeed be a little annoying if it bunches up a bit; we straighten it and that's it. If we feel the label on a shirt, after a while we no longer even notice it. If the waistband of our trousers is a little tight, it's uncomfortable, but we can usually move past it.

The thing is, we do not all perceive the signals coming from our bodies and our surroundings in the same way.

There are children and adults who experience certain touches, sounds, lights, smells or other stimuli particularly intensely. Autistic people often have different sensory experiences, but not every autistic person is sensitive to the same stimuli, and sensory sensitivity is not exclusively linked to autism.

One person is bothered by bright light, another by certain sounds. Someone by crowds, and someone else by the touch or smell of a material — even a clothing label or a sock seam can be disturbing.

And here is something that is sometimes hard to accept, because we do not live it ourselves:

Think of a pebble in your shoe.

Imagine a tiny pebble in your shoe. At first you only notice that there is something in your shoe that doesn't belong there. Then you feel it with every step; you try to focus on something else, but there it is again. After a while you can think of almost nothing but the thing pressing into the sole of your foot.

Now imagine that when you mention it, someone says:

!"Come on, there's nothing there. Just ignore it."

That doesn't make the pebble go away.

Perhaps this is one of the most important thoughts we can carry with us as a parent, a teacher, or simply as a fellow human being.

Maybe the sock is only the last straw!

A hard morning is rarely about a single stimulus.

The alarm has already gone off, we turned on the light. There's washing, brushing teeth, getting dressed. Meanwhile someone is talking, maybe the TV is on or music is playing, the noise of cars comes from outside. We hurry, because it's almost time to leave.

And on top of all this, leaving itself is a change, because we have to leave home and step out onto the street, into a different environment, where new sounds, lights, people and expectations are waiting.

Individually, each of these might be manageable, but together it's a whole different story.

And then comes that particular sock.

From the outside we see that they "melt down over a sock." In reality, by that point so much had already added up that the seemingly tiny discomfort was the last straw they could no longer cope with.

That's why it's important to be careful with sentences like these:

• "Don't make a fuss!"
• "Other children can put them on."
• "You'll get used to it."
• "There's nothing wrong with this sock."
• "We don't have time for this."

Not because a parent must always have endless patience. The morning rush is a very real problem, and a situation like this is hard for every member of the family. Rather because, if genuine sensory overload or strong discomfort is behind it, then we are not simply dealing with a matter of willpower.

All right. But how can I help?

Understanding matters in itself, but in the middle of a morning almost every parent probably asks themselves the same question.

?"What should I do differently tomorrow?"

There is no method that works for every child, since needs are very different too. A few simple changes and small steps, however, can make everyday life easier for many families.

1. First, believe them.

If they say it "pricks," instead of trying to convince them that it cannot prick, let's start from the assumption that for them this really is uncomfortable.

Let's try to listen and understand a little.

✓"All right. Show me what bothers you about it, and let's try to figure out what we can do."

This doesn't teach that we must run away from every discomfort, but rather that when something is hard, it's worth speaking up, and we can look for a solution together.

2. Find the real problem.

Behind "the sock isn't right" there can be many different things. It's worth observing what exactly causes the discomfort:

• the seam at the toes,
• the elastic of the sock,
• the bunching up,
• the material,
• too tight or too loose,
• too warm,
• or even the way the shoe feels uncomfortable with the sock.

The more precisely we understand what the problem is, the less we have to guess.

3. What works, you can have more of.

Sometimes the solution is surprisingly simple: if we've found a sock, underwear, shirt or trousers that are comfortable, we can happily buy several of the same.

4. Offer choices, but not too many.

Instead of asking, What would you like to wear?, sometimes it's easier to offer two options.

↔"Would you like the blue one or the grey one?"

This way the child still has a say in what they wear, while the choice doesn't become difficult and overwhelming.

5. Don't try out new things in the morning rush.

Trying on a new pair of shoes or clothes for the first time is not ideal in the last few minutes before leaving.

If possible, let's try them in a calmer situation, when there's no need to hurry and no pressure. That way there's also room for the child to calmly show us what exactly is uncomfortable.

6. Watch for patterns.

It's worth paying attention not only to what bothers them, but also to when.

Maybe when they're tired they're much more sensitive. Maybe on a calm weekend morning the same piece of clothing doesn't cause as much of a problem as on a rushed morning.

The environment, tiredness, earlier stimuli and the current level of load can all matter.

Let's try to note down the connections we notice.

Not so that we analyze every moment, but so that we notice what's easy to miss in the rush of everyday life.

When everything becomes too much.

If the child is already strongly overloaded, it's probably not the moment to start a long argument or conversation.

At times like these, what often matters more is,

• less talking,
• less noise,
• a calmer environment,
• time for the situation to settle.

What happened can be talked about later.

And this matters. Not every strong emotional reaction is sensory overload, just as not every difficulty with getting dressed has the same thing behind it. That's exactly why we shouldn't try to label the behavior, but curiously look for its cause.

And what about me, the parent?

We must not forget about this either.

Understanding the child's difficulty does not mean that from now on the situation will be easy for the parent.

We still have to go to work, school doesn't start any later, and a sibling has to be sent off too. There's the snack, the bag, the keys, and time, which relentlessly runs out.

If your patience runs out on a morning like this, it does not follow that you aren't trying to understand your child. The goal is not the perfect reaction every single time.

It's much more that, over time, we learn more and more about how we can help.

Tomorrow we may already know in advance which sock not to reach for. We cut off the label already when we buy it. We buy several pieces of the clothing that works, and we try the new shoes on at the weekend. And if we know that getting dressed is regularly hard, we leave a few more minutes for it whenever possible.

They seem like little things.

But sometimes it's exactly the little things that make a morning more livable.

The question isn't "why is he doing this?"

Perhaps let's try to turn the question around.

From the outside these two sentences may seem very similar, and yet they're completely different.

In the first, we want to stop the behavior that's a problem for us.

In the second, we try to understand the person.

And if the sensitivity regularly causes serious difficulty with getting dressed, eating, washing, going to school or other everyday activities, it's worth asking for the help of an appropriate professional to understand the individual situation.

Not because the child "needs to be fixed," but because they too have the right to an environment that is, as far as possible, livable.

Because to them it really can prick.

From the outside it may truly seem like just a sock, but in reality it's a tiny seam, a label, a sensation that we don't even notice.

But we don't have to feel it the same way in order to take it seriously.

Perhaps one of the simplest forms of acceptance is exactly this: instead of saying,

!"Come on, that doesn't even prick."

let's ask:

?"If it's this uncomfortable for you, how can I help?"

We may not find the solution on the first try, and it's certain that not every morning will be easy.

But understanding doesn't require us to feel exactly the same as the other person.

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Are there clothes, sounds, textures or other everyday stimuli in your home that seem insignificant to others, yet cause real difficulty?

If, as a parent or as someone directly affected, you've found a small solution that made everyday life easier, write to us. Your experience might be exactly what helps another family.

Hand in hand, heart to heart — together for a more accepting world. 💙